How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.